Don't make out with my wife yet
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
