Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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