when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
As shirtless as possible
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
