dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
