pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
