@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
