I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
