I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
