i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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