Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
