Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
