i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
