so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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