Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
