omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
