I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
