last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
are you so shy because you have an std?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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