I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My bed smells like the plague
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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