Just fell off a train. Bad.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
