Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
