burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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