in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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