No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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