I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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