Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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