I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
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