Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
