Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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