and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
