Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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