im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
