God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize