I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you never un-have a 4some
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
