I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
