Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
