Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
