The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
