my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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