Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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