walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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