I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
