Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
