I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
