I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize