Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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