my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
