my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
