weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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