we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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