Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
