I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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