It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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