Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
