the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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