Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
