You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
