true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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