I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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