U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
