just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize