Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
