genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is Oprah even human
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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