It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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