They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize