Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
that is very illegal...i love you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
